#BFF GOALS

My best friend was coming out to me, in the dead of the night, whispering between the upper bunk beds of oh so adventurous high school. I was alert to the details of her new awakened feelings for a woman, even though I had not declared my own sexuality to her yet. My lover and I were still a secret, even to ourselves. At that moment, when she began telling me, I knew I wanted to stand with her, for her. When she began, I knew I was going to be one of those woke best friends, that was when she began. 

Then she elaborated these feelings. There had been an object of her burning desire, ‘your new friend,’ she said, ‘I think I want your new friend.’ Maybe at that point, if the lights to our overcrowded dorm had been on, she would have noticed the despair that sketched itself across my face. Maybe, she would have read the words of Don’t you Dare in my eyes and stopped there. Maybe she would have seen how I had to ball up my fists to keep the words in. Maybe she would have realized that we were here once again, that we had wanted the same person, again. But I wanted to be one of those woke best friends, and I urged her continue.

She told me. she told me about how our woman smiled her loop-sided smile, and I could see it so vividly. She told me about how her hair was soft to the touch, and I could almost run my fingers through it. She told me about how she sang her that one song in her croaky voice, how much it awoke her, and I could hear the voice sink into my heart like a dagger, a twisting dagger. She told me about how power rolled off her when she spoke, and the memory hit me in waves. She told me how much she wanted to grab her and kiss her every time she licked her lips, and I licked my lips, relating. I should have stopped her there, but I wanted to be one of those woke best friends, so I bought front row seats to my own pain. 

Then she told me about the way our lover visited her in the day, I recognized these absences, frequent and long. She told me about the way she looked at her, and all those stares I had balanced off against friendship tipped the scales. I wanted to ask what it felt like to kiss our lover’s lips, but was afraid she would tell me, and I would relate. So, I sat in the dark, long after my best friend has slept, being a woke best friend, drafting speeches I would give to our lover in the morning, asking her to love my best friend too, to share herself with her. And when the morning came, I delivered the best draft, and I felt like a woke best friend, until the pain came.