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SHE SAVES HERSELF

Every day I wait for someone to see past the confidence and the laughter and the smiles. I keep waiting for someone to reach me, to tell me they can really see me. I keep waiting for someone to hear the sirens, to see the warning signs.  Every morning I hope someone would ask me how I was and really wait for me to answer. Every night I pray and wish that tomorrow I would feel the smiles, I would mean the “I’m fine’s, that I would stop looking for new ways I could die. All these years, there has been no one to pull me through.

There have been moments of weakness, when I have sat in therapist chairs and attempted to explain this emptiness, when I have knelt in altars begging the heavens above, when I have texted someone just to talk, even when I sit the same spot everyday and break with people a foot away. Well, the doctors dosed me up, and sent me with mindfulness exercises. The priests and pastors asked for penance on my behalf and wished with me that religion could fill that void in my heart. My friends have ignored me, brushed me off, or treated me like a broken experiment. Those who are with me everyday have just not seen, however much I treat my self like a joke for them, they cannot see that I am trying to find the piece that completes me.


I don’t understand the gravity that forces my life to stay within me, maybe it is the prayers of my mother on her knees for me. there is a heaviness that never leaves me alone. My eyes may hurt, my breathe breaks, my head reels, but there is still life. I have ut away pieces of my soul, body and mind hoping that the light headedness would come. I have waited for the calmness when I stay underwater too long. I have willed my life out of me, envied those who went before me even. Still, the peace of death evades me.


I am not sure someone will come for me. I cannot say that someone will finally see me. I don’t know that these sad songs will stop making sense or that when I close my eyes, there will just be quiet. I know though, that tomorrow I will hit repeat, and this princess will have to save herself, again.

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